Why do we lie to ourselves?
This is where I am:
-31 years old, living with mother.
-broke as a joke.
Already these first two items are enough to make life miserable. Let's just say they aren't conducive to forging a new social life in an unfamiliar city. However, there's more to the list:
-on the verge of going into a whole lot more debt pursuing work in a field that doesn't pay well to begin with. (Yes- singers are idiots who actually have to pay to get work. This year's application fee tally comes in at $600 so far- WITH NO GUARANTEE OF A SINGLE AUDITION!!!!!!)
-alright at singing, but nowhere near where I should be to match my goals; vocally frustrated and not sure that I can trust anyone's opinion anymore.
I was going to quip about being bitter, but I don't think bitter is the appropriate word at all. This is just the State of My Union, and if these are objective truths, what is the harm in recognizing them? Clearly, the Bush administration, hurricanes and gas prices have been horrible for my career, lolz.
The only problem with recognizing truths is that it can complicate matters previously made simple through sheer blindness/idiocy/willpower, and I hate complicated matters. Questions arise: How far do you chase a passion? Does the moderate success I've had so far justify everything I've put in? People who are more successful than me still have a hard time getting enough contracts to pay the bills, and when you're an independent contractor, you're only as good as your last review (let some companies tell it) and the next paycheck is not guaranteed.
So those are the cons. Some pros:
-I do life-changing work. If not for others, then for me. That is, when I can get work. This is kind of masturbatory, no?
-I have had some measure of success, 'though not quite enough to let me know I'm headed the right way.
Not sure there's anything else to add in that column.
The other big complication arises from the fact that I'm completely disillusioned with the system that got me where I am in the first place, and I have no interest in perpetuating that bullshit onto other people. So that whole "fall back on teaching" thing is so repulsive to me that I'm not even considering it, especially when I feel like I have very little to give. In short, that's two degrees and most of a third, perfectly suited for wiping down my ass, thank you very much.
If you haven't noticed, the pressure of planning an audition season is getting to me, and I feel like obstacles keep popping up in my path. Just today not a few tears were shed when I realized the demo I had recorded turned out to have lots of distortion on it from my audio equipment. For once, I actually sang well on a demo recording, and that's the one that gets fucked up. Now I'm in Rochester, with no pianists, no money, no place to record, fucked up equipment, and I'm singing like a stupid asshole, and voilà! no demo. I won't bore you with more emo bullshit about how badly things are going for me right now. Clearly, if I felt the need to blog about it, shit is bad.
All the spreadsheets and planning in the world can't help me shake this feeling that I'd be better off reading the writing on the wall. I guess the big question left is, "What do you want to accomplish, Poundpapi?" (If there are better questions that I haven't thought of, please do share.)
That's a tough one to answer. My initial reaction was to start naming the various companies and programs and I want to work for, competitions I'd like to win, etc. My second reaction is that I want some sort of stability and independence for my life. Of course, a large part of these answers has to do with ego, for sure, but even more than recognition and money, what I want is to know that I'm doing the right thing. I want to know that I'm meant to be doing what I'm doing. (That was a light-bulb moment, thank you very much.) Hence, my over-the-top frustration right now: if circumstances can be compared to a Magic 8-Ball, and I'm asking it whether it's worth it for me to keep pretending that being a singer is a sustainable and fruitful endeavor, the message that pops up on my 8-ball is, "all signs point to 'no'".
Long story short, I've never felt so compelled to consider abandoning singing. In the event that some sign, some miracle comes along to encourage me to continue fighting this foolish fight, my mantra for now is, "be prepared for that moment". I just really, really hope that that moment reads my blog sooner, rather than later.
P.S. In the non-gloom and doom segment of today's entry, I played Gay Volleyball tonight, and that shit is SO MUCH FUN!!!
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5 comments:
I am not being glib here, but why don't you read this and then do the exercise. It's pretty simple and will probably work for you, since you're not a skeptical, cynical bastard. I did it awhile back and the results weren't exactly surprising, but they also weren't what I would have imagined, necessarily.
I don't know if I have words of encouragement other than that I think you have a pretty gotdamn major talent. But that's such a small part of having an actual singing career, oddly enough. So I'm just sending you some vibes of love and clarity and hoping for a boost of some kind.
I have not heard you, but from the blogged facts and from what Maven has said, I will assume you have real talent. The only thing I have to say is this: If you give it up, it doesn't mean the desire to sing or the passion you have for it goes away. You'll push it to some far crevice to be practical and then in a year or so you'll kick yourself for wasting a year not sticking to it. I speak from experience. Not singing, obviously, but from a creatively-driven place. It just never goes away as much as you'd like to fucking set it on fire and drop kick it to the moon. It won't go away, the want for it nor your talent.
Y bam! Back to square one, like the rest of us. (Sigh)
Oooooh, girl. I can't tell you how many of these thoughts are swirling around in my brain these days. I'm done with my recording (mediocre), paid a shit load of money, took new headshots (that I hate), and am just beginning the process of writing checks, buying plane tickets and hoping for auditions.
The last 2 years have made me ask myself ALL these questions - and I haven't had the kind of success you have had to lighten my spirit. Every day I ask myself what else I could be doing. However, I know I at least have to make a go of it because that's where I am right NOW. After this audition season, we'll see what happens. But, I'm sending you the best vibes and hoping we'll both get to actually DO THE WORK this year...
The singing as a career question has been plaguing me too lately...teaching has become less fulfilling yet I hate "office" jobs. This week I've had the revelation that I maybe should work a hell of a lot harder. Duh.
I"m trying to define what success means for me.
Hugs and volleyballs.
Dom, I currently have an opening for housekeeper/cook/entertainment. For only $100 US I will process your application, but no guarantees of an interview. Also, the job doesn't pay.
Sorry, no words of wisdom over here. I always knew I was meant to sit in a windowless office for 9-10 hours a day writing stuff nobody will ever read. Not everyone can be so lucky as to land his/her dream job on the first shot.
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