I Need the Precious in My Life.

This post is the result of what happens when I get crunk in Chicago. In short:

1. Visitng HS friends in Chi-town, we prepared to go to a party by listening to "Meeting in the Ladies Room" by Klymaxxx and whatever, whatever. In the spoken monologue at the beginning of that classic R&B hit from the '80s, homegirl says, "I had to leave my condo to come to this?!?!?!" I shouldn't have to explain why that is hilarious. On the subsequent walk to the party, Shana and I troped on this line:

"I can't believe I had to leave my studio apartment to come to this?!?!?!?!"
"I can't believe I had to leave my Section 8 housing to come to this?!?!?!?!"
"I can't believe I had to leave my cardboard box to come to this?!?!?!?"

Needless to say, we were laughing loudly over for most of the walk. About ten minutes later, when we had already moved on to another topic of conversation, Shana, who had seen the Lord of the Rings movies, but not read the books, stopped us all, and asked, "What was it called, where the hobbits lived in that movie?"

I immediately doubled over in laugh-pain: "I had to leave the Shire to come to this?!?!" Madness ensued.

Later on that night, after the party, we confirmed that we should have stayed in the Shire, but whatever, whatever, blasé blah.

So that's one thing.

The second thing, is that when in Chi-town, R. Kelly is bound to be a topic of conversation. In our case, the focus was how unashamed he is to write songs about any old bullshit that pops in his head.

The last thing is that when I'm with friends and have access to GarageBand (like I do on my laptop) I think there is no finer means of QT than to make a song together.

Thus was born an R&B song inspired by LOTR. I know. Cory, Ben, Shana and I spent all afternoon, evening and night on Sunday crafting this beauty. Since we didn't have the time to quite polish it up to the concept I'd originally had, I spent a few hours this morning finishing it up. (Also, I'm a control freak.) Hopefully my colleagues like it, and also find a way to remaster/remix their own versions as they see fit.

The hardest part was not cracking up laughing when seeing everyone in the room huddled over a pad with pen in hand, seriously writing their lyrics. Speaking of lyrics, here they are:

(Spoken Intro)

Yo the shire was cracklin,
how the bitches titties was smackin together
like hands clappin for my boy Gandalf,
the premiere attraction,
bringing home the dank Shire weed,
and Brandywine streams
that keep the honies wetter than the Anduin.
You see what I'm handlin?
Pop off, Sam, you cockblocker, I know what I'm doin-
I may have hairy feet but my shaft is clean.
If there's any snakes in the grass,
you better grab your knees.
Yo, watch yo ass Nazgul,
My dogg Bilbo gave me a shank,
step off, sons.
You busted ass kings.
Yo, you tell 'em, Gollum.
Yo, I'm high as hell, man,
I'm high as hell on this Shiiiiiiire weed.

So hobbit watchu wanna do
I know you got the Precious withcu
Please don't cut me with that little sword
cuz we're both running from the goblin hoarde
but there's something you must understand
you are dealing with a twisted man
it's like I'm crawling with a gangsta lean
cause I'm a gold ring fieeeeeeeend....

Chorus:
I need the Precious in my life-
I'll give my Lexus, plus my wife.
I'll kill some Elfses for my high.
Gold rings don't meltses, we stay fly.

Stay next to me Precious and never let me go.
I didn't leave the shire to see you at the club with some other ho-bbit.
Don't wantchu in my belly, I want that ass up on my finger.
Forget R. Kelly, here's a track from a new R&B singer.
So you my ring or not, we can get it hot up at Mt. Doom.
I'm swingin Sting a lot, cause it's a lot of jealous dudes,
And when they axe you, why you hanging with that hairy short ass hobo,
I know your answer: "Cause no one's got a dick as big as Frodo."

"You're so big! Frodo! Bag me!"

Chorus

Ooooh.
Do not ask me what my name is, stupid troll I'm famous.
They know what my names is, but they afraid to say it.
I built one tower and I fuck with one coward,
Now I got two towers and I fuck with more cowards.
Dark Ride the whip....

Where could my Precious be?
You know you'll get a Lexus from me.
If you tell me where my Precious is,
I'll even give you my first baby!
Where is my Precious?!?!
You know you'll get the keys to the Lexus.
Wheeeeeere are you Precious?