VD: Vegetarian Diaries

Act I.

The family has been very accommodating about the new vegetarian. Last night was the first night an unforced opportunity came up for me to explain my reasons for the dietary shift. I think my family was shocked to find out that the move away from meat was not really for health reasons, considering that I've spent so much time in the hospital recently. If anything, I'd consider the sugar thing to be the bigger culprit in my life, but that's neither here nor there. 

Of course, in explaining to people what your ethical reasons are for foregoing meat are, it is nigh impossible to not sound self-righteous, which is why I waited for someone to ask me what my reasons are in the first place. Still, I think I did manage to articulate my thoughts without being overbearing, always trying to refer back to what I thought was appropriate for me and me alone.

Still, there's always an asshole, right? There was a family frienemy and frequent dinner guest at the dinner last night. Frienemy can be cool and shit, but she's overbearing and loves to be right all the time. She decided to take up the mantle of dietician (which she is not) and wanted to quiz me:

"Where are you going to get your calcium from, huh?" 

(Looks at me with a smirk across her face.)

"Well (bitch) I already said that I'm still going to eat dairy. That, along with the numerous vegetable sources should cover me."

"Hm."

(I mentally choke her.)

Clearly Frienemy thought:

1. I was incapable of researching ways to make this dietary shift in a healthy way.

2. My move to meat-free was a personal affront to her.

That hungry, smug bitch should just be happy there'll be more meat for her hungry ass.

Act II.

About two days ago, I was over at my brother's house, chilling out with SIL and the kids. My move to vegetarianism was the topic at hand, and Pappy, a very healthy eater and meat lover, declared his intent to become a vegetarian as well. I didn't want anyone to think I was evangelizing, and after a few minutes of explaining what vegetarianism is and that maybe it was something he should think about, he remained firm. Both SIL and I just shrugged, giggled to ourselves at his quick conversion, and figured out he really didn't grasp the whole concept.

Three minutes later, our suspicions were proven correct when Pappy went into the refrigerator, and got some leftover chicken out for lunch. He wanted the biggest piece, he told me. This got us (me, SIL and Poe) laughing. 

"We thought you were a vegetarian!"

"Oh." (chomp, chomp)

No other response, save for chicken demolishing.

Act III.

Yesterday, we had a family dinner together, once again at my brother's (The Hulk) house. Frienemy and Afooi were also invited. On the way to dinner I picked up some margarita supplies and veggie burgers to complement the tostones and veggies that were being cooked, as the others would be feasting on ribs and chicken. When I brought out the veggie burgers so that I could grill them up, Pappy told me that he wanted one too.

"I'm a vegetarian, remember?"

Apparently, he went the entire day without eating a single fiber of meat- a tricky thing to do when you're an eight-year old compulsive eater with Easy Meat Access. (I'm totally laughing right now about Maven's Nut Bag/Meat/Pulp/Juice situation.) He was firm: neither ribs nor chicken were on his menu for the night. I was shocked. SIL gave me a nod behind his back to let me know that he wasn't just making up stories for my benefit. So, after making it clear to him that he was under no obligation to be a vegetarian just because I was, I grilled Pappy up a veggie burger, and it wasn't long until we were sitting together at the kitchen bar eating our veggie burgers, asparagus and tostones.

The Hulk, much to my surprise, had never eaten a veggie burger before. It just goes to show how out of touch I am with the real world that I'm shocked anyone hasn't had a veggie burger. He tried it, and declared it "goohd."

I asked The Hulk what was going on with the whole Pappy-becoming-vegetarian thing, and he said, "because he wants to be like you." A misguided inner "awwww" echoed through me...

Act IV. 

It is our habit to eat meals on the weekends all together, but tonight we gathered around Cuca's dining room table. This time, we were all eating a vegetarian meal, as my mom figured it would be easier and cheaper anyway, and that way she wouldn't feel guilty about not making me meat, since she wasn't making meat for anyone. Cuca cooked up some white rice with gandules guisadas on the side, which we spiked with vinagre. A salad and generous portions of avocado finished the plate beautifully.

The Hulk and SIL brought the kids to a neighbor's kid's birthday party earlier that afternoon. While the mom of the house is a vegetarian, on special occasions, her husband will cook meat. Today there were ribs (must be rib season) and pulled pork: two products highly irresistible to boricuas young and old. Pappy held strong to his newfound dietary convictions. I have to say, I'm impressed. Not only is this kid a meat lover, as I mentioned before, but if you can get him to remember something, anything for more than twenty minutes, it is a miracle. My shock was only equalled by my feelings of pride: he is displaying will power that I didn't know he had!

Well, it turns out that maybe it's not so much that he wants to be like me. (womp, womp) At dinner today, talk turned to one of Pappy's classmates who is also a vegetarian. Her name is Clarissa. A few months ago, I was invited to their classroom where I read a book to the kids and ate lunch with Pappy. Clarissa joined us at our lunch table, and let me tell you, Clarissa is Such a Fuckin Lady! Good conversation and table manners? I'm a fan. Well, it turns out lil' Pappy might be foregoing the meat to get some third grade booty. I am more proud of him now than I was a paragraph ago! 

So, as we're at the table in post-eating repose, Frienemy decides that her opinion on Pappy's vegetarianism is needed:

"Oh, this won't last more than a couple days. He'll be eating meat again before you know it."

All of this may be well and true, but she's clearly an asshole:

1. Why the need to talk about kids like they're not even there?

2. What is her damage about eating meat?

3. Why would anyone give a flying fuck what she thinks in the first place? She's just a family frienemy.

4. Plus, she has much back in her front. (Shoutout to Lerla an dem.)

And with that, I bid you all goodnight.

Oh wait- before I go, I'm declaring my promise that not another Pappy story shall go posted before I pay tribute to my niece Poe. For all the stories I write about Pappy, Poe and I are about as tight as an uncle and niece can get, and I feel bad that I haven't shared the delights with my tender readers. I've also got a million other ideas for posts right now, so youse are going to have to get an RSS reader, or just check back frequently- I can't stand no late-ass mugs.