More PR Knowledge

You may wonder, "Why all the posts about Puertorriqueño-ness lately?" and I'll tell you why: I'm surrounded by them. And by them, I mean us.

First, a quick story:

When I first acquired friends unacquainted with the dulcet tones of a thick Puerto Rican accent, I was shocked to hear that they found my mom's accent to be cute. "What accent?" I thought. Clearly context was everything in this situation, and for whatever reason, my brain never thought to consider my mom's speech accented, even though I was privy to, and even spoke accent-free English myself. I think this was the linguistic equivalent of me thinking that we weren't that poor when living in the projects. Interesting phenomenon, or whatever you'd call it. I learned about the poor thing when I was about eight or nine years old, but the accent illusion stayed with me until high school. No one ever pointed it out to me until then!

Well, after years of living away from the family (and boricuas in general) coming back into constant PR contact has been something of a culture shock. I didn't recognize the issue for what it was at first- I'm not always the quickest to connect my emotional/psychological dots. Still, I knew that there was annoying shit going on during what passes for conversation in this family: constant interruption and unwanted advice in unfailingly loud voices. (Of course, those of you who know me in the flesh might correctly say that I was only describing myself here. I'll touch more on my role in all of this, maybe in a later post, but because my boricua-ness has been diluted through the immigrant experience, I'm practically Ms. Manners compared to some of my relatives. Scary, I know. The relatives I refer to here are my parents and their siblings/cohorts.)

Well, thank God for Wikipedia, because it connected the dots for me, and... it turns out that Puerto Ricans are just that way. I'm not being sarcastic. I guess in some cultural contexts, interruption is an acceptable conversational technique. It's hard to accept, I know, but the proof is in the pudding. (BTW, I wandered onto that page after reading about Japanese culture in one of my frequent Wiki crack binges- I didn't consult the Great Wiki for a solution for my PR problem.) Of course, painting an entire culture with such a broad etiquette brush could be a mistake, but in my family's case, there is no denying it. Of course, my siblings and I are merely watered-down versions of the originals, and considering my long stays in the land of MN nice, I've lost some of my edge.

So the conflict is this: it's one thing to deal with an overbearing, loud, figuratively deaf mother yourself, but how do you remain calm when witnessing the verbal assault on an unsuspecting non-PR with no access to Wikipedia? Back when I still had The Chest Tube, a home care nurse would come once or twice a week to TCOB, and if it was one of the cool, non-filthy ones, we'd shoot the shit- a pleasant volley of ideas and information, until my mom took over:

Mom: SO DO YOU KNOW OF ANY GOOD ITALIAN SHOPS AROUND HERE?

Nurse: Oh yeah, the one I shop at is called Lombardo's, and it's over near where the...

Mom: OH, BECAUSE I GO TO THIS ONE RIGHT OVER HERE, IT'S ON WINTON...OH SHOOKS (this is a common mom-ism)...WHAT'S IT CALLED...IT'S RIGHT OVER THERE ON WINTON....YOU KNOW IT'S ON WINTON....RIGHT OVER THERE....WHAT'S THE NAME....

Nurse either doesn't know the name, or is momentarily stunned by the high decibel interruption. Is it the rudeness or the loudness? We'll never know. She snaps out of it.

Nurse: Oh, are you thinking of Pontillo's?

Mom: IT'S RIGHT OVER THERE ON WINTON, YOU KNOW, RIGHT NEAR THE CREDIT UNION, AND THEY HAVE A GREAT FISH FRY AND DIFFERENT DESSERTS, IT'S IN A STRIP MALL...

Nurse: Yup- that's Pontillo's for sure!

Mom: YOU KNOW- RIGHT AFTER YOU PASS JEFFERSON, ON THE LEFT THERE'S THAT CREDIT UNION, YOU KNOW, ON WINTON, AND THEN THERE'S THAT STRIP MALL, AND IT'S A LITTLE ITALIAN GROCERY SHOP AND DELI, THEY HAVE FISH FRIES AND CANNOLIS AND STUFF LIKE THAT...

Nurse: Yeah- that's Pontillo's.

Mom:OH YES! PONTILLO'S! THAT'S THE NAME- I KNEW IT WAS SOMETHING LIKE THAT- YOU KNOW, AN ITALIAN NAME LIKE THAT- THEY HAVE A GREAT FISH FRY AND OTHER PASTRIES THAT YOU CAN TRY, YOU KNOW, IF YOU WANTED SOMETHING SWEET- YOU KNOW I DON'T ALWAYS WANT DESSERT, BUT SOMETIMES AFTER A FISH FRY YOU REALLY NEED A LITTLE PASTRY- THEY HAVE THEM THERE, AND THEY ARE REALLY GOOD.

Nurse: Pontillo's is nice, but I think Lombardo's is better bec...

Mom: OH, SEE, I GO TO PONTILLO'S

Nurse: Yeah, Lombardo's is bet...

Mom: PONTILLO'S IS GREAT.

Nurse: ...ter because their not...

Mom: THEIR FISH FRY IS SO GOOD!

Nurse:...as expen...

Mom: THEY'RE RIGHT OVER THERE ON WINTON.

Nurse:...sive.

Mom: SOMETIMES I NEED A LITTLE SOMETHING SWEET, YOU KNOW? AFTER A FISH FRY...SO DO YOU THINK I SHOULD CHECK OUT THAT OTHER PLACE? WHAT'S IT CALLED?

Nurse: Lombardo's? (a single tear rolls down her cheek) Yes- they're bigger, and they' don't charge as much.

Mom: OH WOW! WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO GO THERE, DOMINICK! PONTILLO'S WAS NICE, BUT IT DID SEEM KIND OF PRICEY, SO MAYBE WE'LL CHECK OUT THAT OTHER PLACE.

And so on....

This could actually serve as a template for many of my mom's conversations:

Mom: Do you know ABC?
Person: Actually, I do. Let me tell you abou...
Mom: Oh, because I know XYZ. XYZ is amazing- let me foil any attempt you make to tell me about ABC, so that I can tell you what I know about XYZ, but then, at the end of our conversation, I'll need you to recap your ABC information, because I won't have heard a single word you've said this entire time, okay?
Person: Fuck.

I really should write a play, dontcha think?

I have a feeling that Lerla may be the only reader here experienced in the natural force that is CUCA, so I'll leave it to her to either corroborate or deny my perspective, or better yet, loudly offer her own perspective while ignoring mine.

Needless to say, it's been great being home, and I can't be grateful enough to the fam and my mom in particular, but I need to move out! As that move won't be happening for quite a while, this trip I'm taking to Texas and Minny will have to suffice. I can't imagine that I won't come back ready for more Cucabarrages. In related news, MN, could you please get your weather together? Am I really going to have to pack two separate wardrobes for this trip? Wack.

Holler, bitches.